There have been several instances recently that has led me to the conclusion that most women are crap at giving feedback, myself included even though I teach communications I recognise it is not easy to do especially if it’s with a friend.
I think the challenge is we are so concerned we will offend or damage the relationship that we say nothing or when we do, we’ve bottled it up for months and it doesn’t come out well. Two stories one funny one very sad that makes my point. The first, the funny one was I was vegetarian for years when I was living in the UK, my family were mortified, (we were a meat and two veg family so taking out the meat was shocking for the family). My Mum being the beautiful woman she was, made me some lentil burgers, she made them in big batches and stored them in the freezer. I was so grateful that she had made the effort to accept my vegetarianism that I said they were lovely, and as a result they kept coming year after year, and they were anything but lovely. I should have been up front, given her a big hug for being thoughtful and laughed with her at these incredibly dry burgers instead I had to cop them for six years, true story.
The second story is the more important one. Some women I know are part of a sewing club, I know an unusual club for many of us, just stick with the story. One of woman is poor socially and can be very abrupt with the group. Everyone in the group knows this except her! She has this terrible blind spot, and no-one was ever game to let her know the impact she had on those around her. Her behaviour would often result in tension in the sewing group which last week resulted in two of the women leaving because of an ‘incident’ and the club has imploded, a lose-lose situation. I wondered if someone had said something earlier would the situation have had a better outcome? Quite possibly.
I know it can be hard to give feedback, but be brave and consider your intent as your intent is key.
If your intent is to genuinely help someone then a private conversation should go well. If your intent is really to ‘tell them off’ then success is less likely
And importantly, we need to understand if we are silent, just like the other sewers in the sewing club were over the years, we are actually part of the problem, as our silence says we are OK with the situation.
They say feedback is a gift, let’s see if we can make it feel that way and help each other be the best version of ourselves. X